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January 15, 2009

fuck january to death

that is all.

Why do I always forget the extreme depression in January? This has been happening since I was a little kid. Every year, summer is great, fall- spring- I accomplish anything, love life. January every fucking year I start thinking about how great life would be without me in it.Physically, I am so bone numbingly tired,I start catching every little virus and being way sicker than I should be over anything. I can’t move, I can’t think, I can’t function and now of course I have the added bonus of RA and all the fun pain that goes with it especially when I am cold. I just want to eat noodles and die. I have actually accumulated not one, not two but THREE suicide attempts in January since I was a teenager.   Not fake ones either. (sorry mom) Not to mention countless self mutilation episodes-ALL in January and February. My poor mother.

but i alwAYS forget how bad it is, and it always takes me by surprise. Suddenly she says the D-word (depression)and I remember- OH wait. It’s January.Don’t kill yourself, next month you’ll be sorry you did.  Drag your sorry ass out of bed and take twice your anti depressant dose this month, get the light box out  and maybe some Dayquil to help with the respiratory shit. I guess I always think I have grown out of it, since it has literally been happening  every single year since I was a little kid. I theorize if life is good, then why should I hate it so much?

But i exist as nothing more than a bag of faulty chemicals.  Every fucking minute is given to management of my chemistry and pain, beyond that my kids, beyond that..? Obviously not much else goes on in my life, certainly very little in the way of accomplishment. I do question my purpose on earth in this body, for sure.

But whatever, I guess. I am sure by april i will have changed my mind. I have learned not to trust my own brain in these matters. Just go through the motions. Don’t listen to the endless loop. Take whatever drugs you can get your hands on..oh wait- I wasn’t supposed to say that last bit was i? not very inspiring.

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