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New Job Interview

February 18, 2009

 Nice to meet you miss Jinxie, Can you tell me a little about yourself and your goals for this job?

Well sure, I am a 35 year old high school drop out with no skills, traumatic brain injury, post traumatic narcolepsy,  rheumatoid arthritis, and a bad attitude. My goal is to obtain a part time position that is worth being awake for and pays my bills.

Ok, that’s wonderful. Tell me about your work history. Inconsistent work history spanning exotic dancing, sales, waitressing, preschool teaching, more sales and mostly just being someone’s unpaid bitch for years on end.

Super! Where did you go to school? Well, I was expelled from high school,  where i was active in the stoners club. Left college because I couldn’t pass Math 050 and I got knocked up. My IQ was in the high 140s but now it’s probably much lower now due to drugs and brain injury. I went to college for religion, in order to make myself completely useless but also got a certificate in massotherapy, which is now useless since my hands are wrecked with arthritis.

Well, that’s nice. Tell me about your special skills.  My inability to stay awake for a whole day and almost useless left hand, make the ideal candidate for a job as a paperweight. In addition, I have a chronic and painful disease that will likely cost your company a ton of money in insurance premiums. These things couple with a wicked and inappropriate sense of humor, a major chip on my shoulder in regard  to any authority, visible tattoos and no skills whatsoever make me a highly desirable employee. Due to a brain injury, I also have extraordinary people skills. I also posess an unusual ability to run my mouth about anything to anyone. My brain injury brings me a new perspective in dealing with people, and often the inability to distinguish appropriate and inapproriate topics for workplace discussion. I frequently must remind myself to wear pants when leaving the house

What is your greatest weakness? Well, I would have to say being repeatedly brain damaged has given me the crushing depression that cripples me most in the winter making it difficult to get out of bed and not slit my wrists. If you hire me in the summer you will be thrilled with my sunny disposition and productivity. By January, you will see a different person. Since I was a small child, I have become suicidally depressed in January.  Having had 3 significant head injuries in my life, I have residual problems with depression, memory loss and confusion and aphasia, but mostly the effects are mental causing me to have an extremely bad temper and throw things when I am angry

Ok then!! Thats just peachy.

  Don’t call us, we will call you.

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